Carlos Makes Coffee
by Tazzlez
Summary: [Rated M for suggestive adult themes] Carlos is visiting the station and he's making coffee! Isn't he just the GREATEST boyfriend EVER?


Carlos Makes Coffee

Greetings Dear Listeners,

Today is a very special day because today is the day that my boyfriend, Carlos, _sigh…. _Is here…. In the studio…. With me! Isn't that great? You know, it just goes to show how much he cares about me….

**Long pause featuring many sighs and some shuffling and soft clattering of kitchenware in the background**

Oh, listeners… You'll never guess what Dear Carlos is doing right now… at this very moment… In the studio kitchen… He's making coffee, for both of us! He's so thoughtful and caring. It's amazing he's been able to bypass the new law A Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agency put forward about the method of making coffee.

You see, coffee in Night Vale is normally made using a very unique blender with a heating mechanism powered by a little tiny gerbil; the problem is the gerbils only ever eat wheat or wheat by-products… So… You know… We're not really supposed to talk about that so lets leave it at that… Don't want the Sheriff's Secret Police to catch me out… Again…

It's usually fine though… We're cool… Really… The Sheriff's Secret Police are actually…. Pretty cool guys… I haven't actually had the chance to meet them, nor would I like to as possessing the ability to see them with your own eyes is considered a crime and is punishable by an indefinite amount of time in the abandoned mine shaft. So, to my friends, the Sheriff's Secret Police… You guys are great. Really.

**More clattering of cutlery**

Oh, right… Um let me see, where was I? Oh yes. Coffee laws. Yes… Hmm…

You see, because citizens of Night Vale are no longer able to feed the gerbil, coffee blenders are no longer to be used. But, apparently, according to Carlos and his team of scientists, there's nothing preventing us if one was to find a compatible gerbil that could be fed _legally _and was still able to function as a coffee gerbil. It's remarkable, actually. Carlos is so clever like that, bypassing laws like the caramel skinned rogue he is…. _Sigh_… I wonder if the coffee is ready yet.

Oh yes, listeners, you're probably wondering where Carlos acquired the gerbil. Well on the way to work this morning we passed by the Night Vale Petting Zoo and Makeshift Carnival, I like to think of it as a date, and we just saw the little tyke, sitting on a meter high wooden barrel, with a post it note stuck to the side stating "Free to a good home, don't tell anyone if you care for your children".

Well, I don't have any children, and neither does Carlos. So we took it. Turns out it doesn't eat the dreaded…. Um… Let's just call it the 'forbidden grass-like substance'. It eats raspberries. Kind of adorable actually, I was in the studio kitchen earlier watching Carlos feed him; I've come to calling him Blue since he only eats _blue_ raspberries, and it was a sight to see. The little guy just gobbled up the whole punnet in a few mouthfuls and ran straight for the coffee machine and started running around the wheel like he was born to do it! I for one was impressed, Carlos looked at me with a smug look and well… Let's not go into what happened after that.

_Ehem…_

**Ding**

Oh! You hear that! The coffee's ready! "Carlos, Carlos is the coffee ready?"

Carlos makes the best coffee. I haven't had any yet but I'm sure it will be absolutely perfect, because Carlos is absolutely perfect. Oh! Here he comes! Aw and he even used the mugs with the kittens and puppies on them, kittens for me and puppies for Carlos of course, anything different would be a crime.

"Thankyou so much, Carlos. You are the best boyfriend ever."

Well, dear listeners. I have my coffee and Carlos has his. Let's see if it tastes as perfect as he doe- Erm…. As perfect as him…. _Cough_

**Sipping noises**

Oh my… Oh… Oh my… Wow… Oh dear listeners. I don't know how to describe this remarkable sensation… This is, wow… I don't even think there are words to describe it. I'm looking at Carlos now and he's got that look in his eye and… Umm… Listeners… I think it's time for me to go now… I have to finish my… Coffee…. Thankyou Carlos for joining us today… Um… and thankyou my dear listeners…

Goodnight Night Vale… Goodnight…


End file.
